05/05/2022
L's Experience:
I got on the table like it was any other day but as the vibrations worked into my bones, I realized it wasn't.
I'd been restless, sure, it's a part of the ebb and flow. And my goals are clear, like they always have been. I started the mourning journaling. A off day won't stop me from moving forward.
Yet, as a lied there, bass reverberating in my chest, my breath caught. I saw my childhood friend, on a terrible day. She was having that allergic reaction and I couldn't help. Frozen then and frozen on the table. An eternity, and I didn't need the distraction.
Like I said, I have my goals. You may find it materialistic. But I know what luxury is like and I had to work to get where I am. I need it. I need money to make things happen.
And like that, with each pulse of vibration, my weak breath caught in a cage. My damn brain looping over images of the past. I hated it.
The pointless really hit me then. The truth is, the only way I know how to make money feels as good as chocking on lead dust. And I couldn't ignore the pressure. Panic even, I couldn't get free, and the sensation, intensifying, like I could die there. And it intensified, and spread.
My throat was caught, my neck stiff. Pain radiating even to my toes. Until, finally, as though struck, my body wracked in a sob, A sob and another sob, until I was crying deep belly sobs for an entire hour. The impossibility and the unknown. I didn't need to know. Thank god.
