Me after you.

06/27/2017

The two most important days of your life are the day you were born and the day you find out why. – The Apocryphal Twain

I heard this quote a few months ago by a Facebook friend addressing what this meant to her. And I can’t seem to let go of it.

The day I found out why I was born was the day my husband died. I know what you are thinking… how tragic. But I’ve said it a million times… his death gave me my life.

If Ryan could come back- I swear with everything my soul is made up of… he would tell me- slow down. Enjoy the kids. Go to their soccer games. Go to their concerts. Read them books. Bath them and snuggle them in their jammies. Pray with them at the dinner table. Have a campfire and sing silly songs. Listen to their stories of their day. LOVE and let your soul shine. Be you always. Cry if you need to. Laugh at yourself. NEVER hurt your friends. Always be available.

Because he is gone. Because he no longer can do those things. The day I found out why- was this day that my best friend- my husband- could no longer live.

So why were you born? Where you born to go to a job every day that you hate? Were you meant to be that person judging others? Were you meant to cry yourself to sleep at night? Were you mean to live with regret?

Ben tells me daily that he loves my heart. That he loves my soul. I wouldn’t wish my loss on anyone. But I think if you close your eyes and really think--- if this is my last day on earth--- what would I do differently? Who would I want to spend it with? And at the end of that day… when you close your eyes and know you are never getting it back—would you be so full of love and peace?

Think about it.

The two most important days of your life are the day you were born and the day you find out why. – The Apocryphal Twain

05/26/2017

noun: forgiveness; plural noun: forgivenesses

1. the action or process of forgiving or being forgiven.

It is so hard to forgive sometimes. To truly let your heart be ridden of the hurt. I recently wrote a letter to someone who I felt hurt me. She never received it. I wanted her to know the hurt she had caused me. I wanted her to understand where I was coming from. I wanted to know why. Knowing that no matter what she would have responded with wouldn’t unbreak my heart. It wouldn’t erase the thoughts, fears. I worry about people like her. The darkness that they must be made of.

I do believe that people are made up of so many different values, needs, feelings, emotions. We are all different. I reflect on the people I may have hurt along my path. Unintentional. Maybe unknown. I try to rationalize her motives. And I cannot.
So I forgive. If I allow this to seep into my veins and creep into my thoughts- the darkness of her wins. And I will not allow that. We have control over our attitude. If we chose to be negative and revengeful that is who we become. If we chose to be courageous and kind---it’s who we become.

The last month has been full of wild emotions. Faith tells me I am where I need to be. My heart reminds me that I am strong and fierce. My soul whispers this too will pass. My head tells me to let it go and forgive.

If you are in a current state- where someone has hurt you to your core- don’t lose site of the great you are. Don’t forget to hang the plumb bob of your morals and values…. And check where you are to that. People will disappoint you, break your heart, hurt you---- but don’t let them change you. Refuse to carry along the pain and hurt--- throw it in the wind and let it go. Set yourself free.

If it were easy to forgive, we wouldn’t have so much scripture and self-help books on it. Forgiving is hard- the feeling of being defeated and beaten down by lies, deceit. It’s hard to not want them to read that letter… to understand where you are coming from…. But coming to terms with the fact that those people… those destructive behaviors---- they need forgiveness. Being great has its many rewards—it means loving yourself---everything about yourself. And finding forgiveness is a part of that love.

Happy Friday World!!!

04/27/2017

Hold on.

I find myself in this place where I am praying with everything my soul has- that we are given more time with my dad. That some miracle will happen. Have you ever prayed that hard?
Cooper prays every night for my dad. He asks God to take away the cancer and only let him be sick for a little while. To let him stay with us. He asks for God to not take mommy’s daddy away like he took his daddy away.

So I hold on.

I have always read about people fighting for their lives. Fighting off this terrible virus. I prayed for a cure. I prayed for them. But it is definitely one of those things that when it is in your home….in your heart…. Is when you fully understand the pain. The fear. The words actually sting my tongue to say them out loud.
I have had a train of emotions chug through my veins. When you know there is a stop watch in your life every second become so valuable. Each second I spend worrying about something I can’t control is wasted. Knowing that my dad has to fight hard to have more minutes- makes mine that much more valuable. I want to make sure that nothing is lost… wasted…
We planted a garden this weekend. Every day the littles go see if anything is growing. Those moments are worth every second. As we look at each and every plant in the garden (because we are in no hurry and have to be thorough) we take our time to make sure they get enough of what they need to survive… to grow and produce something wonderful. The beauty and wonder this world offers. When we are scared or sad or upset we forget to see the beauty.

Hold on to each moment. Don’t waste them. Don’t take them for granted.

I had a dream last night that I was in London. And baby Ryann Jane was with me. And we were at a hotel, she was sitting on the bed watching cartoons—and I told her that I was going to run and grab some ice…. I did… and when I got back she was gone. I woke up immediately and was in a complete panic… my heart pounding…sick feeling…. The same feelings I felt when I left for work and when I came home Ryan was gone.
If you have ever felt that…. You know how heartbreaking it is. Instantly you are aware of eternity. The feeling of forever. For the rest of your life to live without the sound of their voice. Their smell. Their hugs… it’s a very smothering feeling.

When you are barely breathing because you are holding onto something with everything you are. When you want to let go---- hold on---today--- hold onto to everything you love. Forgive. Love. Be AMAZING!!!!!! Because every moment you spend worrying, fighting, crying…. Is moments you should be living. We all have a stop watch… ticking away. Imagine fighting for your life--- and knowing you made every second- every day- every year count. You would be fulfilled. You can say you lived. That’s my plan. To live… no matter what comes my way…

04/06/2017

Spring!!! Everything is coming to life again. The days are getting longer, the grass is turning green, the trees are budding. I remember the first winter after Ryan passed away. Thinking to myself—the days are long, dark, and cold. I kept telling myself- it’s just a season, and soon it will be spring.

It’s true to everything in life. The seasons we move through. The times we think the darkness and cold is too long. And we tell ourselves, something warm and beautiful is on the horizon. I saw a girl at work yesterday and her eyes were so sad. I do not know her story- I do not know the season she is in--- but as a human, I wanted to just hug her and tell her that it will pass. The sadness, the anger, that whatever--- will pass. Believe in it.

This spring, I am reminded that the heaviness in my heart will one day be the moment I look back on and say wow- I got through that… man I was sad. I want to live in this moment. I want to not rush through it. I want to watch the beauty in this spring season as it happens. Normally- I open the front door and say wow look at that.. .all the flowers have bloomed. This season--- this season is different. I want to not miss a second. It is our one chance. To lay a blanket down, and look at the stars. To smell the flowers. To play soccer. To catch the fire flies. To live the season. To let the warm sun cover you. Close your eyes and breathe it in. It’s truly magical that we get to live and experience this life. But it’s not forever. It’s a very short moment in eternity.

I hope that girl from work finds peace. I hope that all of you live today. I pray that we do not take for granted everything we have. Stopping to enjoy nature’s beauty. I challenge everyone to dream and believe that their dreams will come true. Why? Because it is spring. And spring is full of life. Of newness.

Shhhhhh----Here is a secret of mine….I’ve been consumed with the thought lately of my children losing their father. And how I can’t imagine the emptiness they must have in their hearts. No matter how much I love them. No matter what greatness they have in their life--- they will forever not have their daddy. It is almost too much for my mind to understand sometimes. Is it just a season? I know that I have showed them how to be strong. How to be brave. How to count their blessings. How to love. How to laugh….. But have I showed them how to be weak? How to cry? All equally important to the things I have focused on. So I do the only thing I know how to do. I show them how to live. Today I make a promise to myself- to have them experience this life and live. There may be tears- but the laughs will be more. There may be sadness- but the happiness will be more. There may be darkens- but the light will be more.

02/21/2017

When I look at this picture I see so many things. Beyond the matching clothes and smiles. Beneath the beauty. I see baby Ryann. Who is now two. She never met the man who loves her more than any man in the world could ever love her. And she doesn't even know it. She is full of s***k. Of love. Of giggles. I see cooper who is now 5. And was Ryann's age when we had to say goodbye to his daddy. He ran into the house this weekend... He was playing outside with the older boys... And said "Mommy come see!!!! It's daddy's sun!!!" It was a beautiful sunset on a beautiful warm February evening. He took my breath away. He was surrounded by his daddy in that moment of beauty. And I see Kensington. The true apple of Ryan's eye. The little girl who made him so happy everyday. Her sparkle I worry about because she misses him every second of everyday. I see my older children. Who are my lifeline. When did they become young adults?! And I see me. As a family we are strong. We have been through the unthinkable. There is a fire in our souls. To be kind. To be courageous. To live. To help. To be lights for those in the darkness. My dream is to touch the lives of many. To inspire. To be unstoppable. I refuse to believe that this world is nothing more than people coasting by. I want to every day see the sunset and be excited!!!!! My children deserve that. You all deserve that. To see the beauty in everything is a true gift. I can't take my eyes off this picture because it speaks to my soul. Believe in greatness. Believe that the pain is only temporary. The tears do stop. The future holds such great things as long as your not living in the past.

01/16/2017

The moment you should chose to live.

When you live, it’s not just walking through your life – letting each day pass. It’s embracing each second as if another isn’t coming. It’s closing your eyes and hugging your children. It’s being a friend that is always there to pick another friend up and tell them you are there. It is making a decision to listen and love and laugh.

I’ve read a post floating around lately talking about the third love. And although I agree- that you change and grow with each season in life. But what if we didn’t let the hurt or pain make us better?
What if we were all just better? I know for me- with Ryan passing, I am a better mother, I am a better friend, I am a better partner. Ben and I make time for each other. The last couple Sunday nights after we get the kids down- we run a jet bath fill it with bubbles and we turn off the lights and put on light music- and we talk. And it may seem silly- adult bath time…. Ben asked me last night- How many couples do you think do this? Because we could easily be doing laundry, or work, or other chores… but we are doing this. And it made me a little sad thinking about that. Again- what if I would have been this better version of me earlier?

I’ve talked about it before--- do we really stop and take in the moments that we have??? I know some of our friends say “It’s because you are still in the newly wed phase”. But I believe it’s because of the path we have walked that we do this. We both have our ghosts also. The fear of what our hearts hold onto from our pasts. I think about the journey Ben and I are on right now. Living together. LIVING. Not just co habituating- but living together. Think about that. Who do you live with?

Live today. Live loud. Live lovingly. And even if it out of character, do something today to make sure the people you love the most- know how amazing, beautiful, smart, fun, and perfect they are. It only takes a moment- a decision, a second to change your path. A moment that could change your life forever… a moment that lets you live.

Xoxo World!!!!!!!

01/05/2017

Hello 2017!
I know--- I’ve been quiet lately. My passions have taken a backseat…. And I am not sure why I allowed that to happen! I was looking back at my first blog, and it was about how I found my happy again. Hmmmm I let that darkness creep back in. After Ryan died, I made a few promises to myself.
1) NO REGRETS. Do not apologize for who I am. Do not let someone re-shape me because ME is pretty darn great.
2) Let my soul be on fire. Live as a light to others.
3) LOVE!!!!! Love again and a hundred times over if needed.
4) Cry. Let people into my world. Let them see me with raw emotions… fears… let them see me worn out and exhausted.
5) Fight. Fight like hell to not let the darkness and sadness and loss take over me. Fight like hell to raise strong, smart, beautiful, caring, and empathetic children.
6) Take nothing for granted.
Those are just a few that come to mind. Last night I took inventory of myself. And WHOA was I disappointed. WHO IS THIS GIRL NOW???? Has life happened I let it change me so much that who I am is not the Amy I love? And what and who am I waiting for to change this? It’s funny, I can look at other people and be like- yikes that is a train wreck…. But I didn’t see it in me – my train ever so slowly was falling off track that I didn’t even see it.
Ok! Here is the Cliché!!!! New year’s resolutions!!!!! Ha- you knew it was coming. I have to get this train back on track! I have 6 beauties attached and need to get this path figured out. I posted that I needed to be easier on myself. That I needed to love me more…. LOVE ME MORE! When did I stop loving myself enough???? It’s so easy to love yourself. I know me more than ANYONE knows me… so surely I can make myself happy!!!!
I think with loss and grieving, it comes is such strange waves. The truth is- it hurts like hell every single day. It’s more complicated than anything you could have ever imagined. Yet, we somehow survive each day. And with little or no recognition from anyone. No cheerleaders cheering us to cross the finish line. After loss you re-create yourself. You want to become a better version of anything you had ever hoped you would be. You become strong. And for me, in these grieving waves, I lose myself. In trying to just finish each daily marathon, I forget those promises I made to myself.
So here is to 2017 and making sure I full fill those promises to myself. Because I deserve that 

10/31/2016

It amazes me how time keeps on. And in moments where we feel such heartache and loss and think we won't get through this.... everything else seems to keep moving on. The sun rises. The sun sets. The stars take their perfect space at night. The seasons come and go. And we take small pauses in our day to reflect on the moment we are in. A friend asked me on Friday night how can I be still be so in love with Ryan and also love Ben. And I don't know the answer to that. Other than God designed our hearts so strong and intricate and loving and passionate and forgiving that I can. Because I am not one of those people who will just sit back and watch life move forward without me. Love comes to us unexpectedly. It knows no time. Sometimes it doesn't give us enough time together. Sometimes it sneaks up on us. I'd fall in love a million times in this life. Because it's the best feeling a human can feel.

Music video by Joey+Rory performing When I'm Gone. (P) (C) 2012 Sugar Hill Records & Vanguard Records, Welk Music Group Companies. All rights reserved. Unaut...

10/28/2016

When no one is watching. There is a stillness in pure beauty. Who you are. Your dreams. Your values. Taking inventory on who you are. I told my friend today who just lost his wife that we are left behind to live. And sacrificing ourselves would be a waste. It made me think of my path. Where I am and where and what did I want after Ryan passed away. Was I living my life how I promised myself I would? Life. Our breaths are few when we think of eternity. We are a blink of an eye. I told him that forever he would love his wife. Forever he would miss her. Forever he would think of her. Forever. And me being a hopeless romantic knows that after loss your heart is not the same. And not like one would think. It's not a small broken heart. It's not weak. It's larger than ever. Because when someone you love so much is taken your heart knows and remembers what true love is. It's like a footprint forever marked in time. And we are the lucky ones to have loved so boldly. And when no one is watching me my beauty doesn't change. It doesn't bend to fit into someone. My love is constant. For myself. For my children. For my family. For my friends. Beauty that lights up a room. That is who I promised myself to be. And sometimes when no one is watching I dance. I close my eyes and soak in the moment and remind myself to live and to not change the beauty that I am.

10/22/2016

I spent the last few days in Jamaica With a group of wonderful people. Three of us were laying in the ocean and letting the waves cover us. And we talked. The husband of my friend says to me. You have to be brave to ask questions. And brave to listen to the response. His words were repeating in my mind all day. To ask hard life questions and hear what maybe you don't want to hear is scary. I know me. I know what I want. But how do we know what others need or want unless we ask. And what if those hopes and dreams are not the same? But we don't know unless we are brave and put our hearts on the line. So that night I told him that I needed to be loved better. That he needed to love me better. The next night when we came in from our day visiting the Jamaican school and papaya plantation... I opened the hotel room to this. I love you. My life is messy and chaotic at best. This guy that loves me, takes all of me. My past. My broken heart. My children. Be brave always. That moment laying in the ocean looking for shells may never cross my friends minds ever again. But the words and that moment changed my life. Changed my mind. Changed my heart.