02/27/2026
Thank you to everyone who made it to our final U to You lecture of our 25th season!
Dr. Mary-Ann Sontag of UM’s School of Social Work shared advice for grieving and early results from research on Benefis Peace Hospice's Camp Francis, which helps grieving children.
Sontag calls herself a "grief evangelical." Her mom died at 45, and Sontag thought she was losing her mind. She didn't know anything about what grief was like.
"It will make everyone's life better if we understand grief," which is not just losing a person but all sorts of changes. "The fact that it happens to everyone doesn't make it less awful when it happens to us."
She worked with parents who lost children and saw how soul shattering it is. People have a misconception that they will take an orderly journey through stages of grief, one after another. Grief is chaos not steps, and it wounds people when their reality collides with this conception of stages. Grief affects every part of what makes us a person - emotional, physical, mental, social, and spiritual. Even eating can feel like too much effort.
What the grieving should see on this long journey is improved functioning over time. Not a linear process but improvement. In the meantime, space and grace and support. Skip the platitudes and advice. "Just be present with the shattered person."
For kids, grief is all over the place. They may happily ride a bike one moment, be hysterical the next, and then have a tummy ache. They grieve in different ways as they grow up, too, understanding their loss different at 13 than they did at 6.
Sontag had a healthy skepticism about Camp Francis after hearing a Missoulian involved talk it up. She started research on children's bereavement camps by calling around to see what other camps in the country had by way of research findings. Well, not much to none. But if it's not working or could be better, why are we putting our kids into grief camps? Why are we spending this money and volunteer time?
Camp Francis, which involves about 30 children 6-12 every summer, and more than double as many volunteers, is one of the longest running such camps in the country. It will mark 35 years this summer.
Sontag's research into the camp involved a survey and interviews with former campers. They all said they were different because of their Camp Francis experience.
"There is no question in my mind at this point that Camp Francis helps children hold on through the awful so they can get to the amazing parts of life," she said. "It is a community commitment to those kids, and it's a good investment. You have made those kids better by sending them to Camp Francis."
Camp is a collaborative effort among families, volunteers, Benefis Foundation, donors, Peace Hospice, and Camp Rotary (which hosts the camp). It's a "gathering of caring, bringing all these resources together to serve these children. This is remarkable, an exemplary commitment to caring for children and families."