08/11/2017
Last week’s game was extremely lopsided, with all the players of the red team suffering from ESDD (Extreme Soccer Disability Disorder, a nearly fatal disease afflicting billions, especially in America where there has been a recent epidemic), not to mention extreme sicknesses, as well as myriad mental and physical deformities. In recognition of this, we on the superior blue team agreed to play extra weak, taking turns about who would be allowed to run and what not. It was very cute and inspiring to see the red team players try to win despite their severe handicaps against the supreme greatness of Becky, Jean Luc, Marty and myself on the blue team, each of whom I thank for helping give the red team an illusion they ever had a chance. If only all disabled people had the kind of spirit we saw on the disabled (i.e., red) team perhaps we could trim or even eliminate our medicare & medicaid budgets?
Given my limits in remembering all aspects of last week’s game, it is very difficult for me to pinpoint when we were the most lenient to the blue team of handicaps, but it may have been when we allowed Marie on red to help attempt to get the Play of the Day, which was successful on her 2nd attempt. (She kicked the ball while her legs were crossed into the goal, Nehmar style, while we allowed the ball to go in.)
With our very sympathetic play in consideration of the red team’s decrepit physical condition and our resulting decision to take turns at standing (a talent I especially excel at), who would fetch diet cokes (another talent of mine), complain (Ok, I’m good at all these), argue, crack the jokes, run, defend, etc.; we managed to exactly avoid a Next-Point-Wins ending, with us having only 1.5 points lead, 6.5-5, going into the 10 minute mark, almost as if the red team had no horrific disabilities. But, in addition to the high salaries we command for playing, a few of us do also play to get some exercise, for health benefits, which is another purpose of our game (besides helping the helpless and $$), and because we had grown a little weary of just resting and chatting for over an hour, so we decided to play normally at that point. This, sadly, caused the final score of 9.5-5.
The audience of spectators was very large despite the blatant lopsidedness of the game, and we appreciated their participation in this charity fund raiser put on with all proceeds of ticket sales less our salaries being donated to the Special Olympics, ESDD branch, who of course helped televise our game on the condition that we allow disabled people unable to do very much overall in their lives to attempt to play soccer as inspiration for all American victims of ESDD to try to have normal lives, as difficult as it is for them.
On a less somber note, the Joke of the Day (aside from the red team’s attempt to beat us) was by Marty, who said the reason the dragonflies were missing is because they had partied too hard on Saturday night.
After the game, all players voted on moving the time to 2pm. Even after including the votes for those suffering from ESDD (counting 3/5 of a full vote), the motion failed and got only 2 votes, which was not enough to allow a time change. So Sunday’s game will be at 9am. I hope to see you then.
Especially if you suffer from ESDD.
