02/20/2021
Blade Adoption FAQ
Now that we are active, we want to provide our supporters, friends, and family with some information about the adoption process and what all is involved therein. We'll think of this sticky as a Blade Adoption FAQ. Should you desire even more information, we encourage you to visit the American Adoptions website. They have a plethora of resources, including articles, videos, webpages, and FAQs, to assuage your curiosity.
1) What kind of adoption are you attempting?
We have applied and been approved for an open domestic infant adoption. This means that we are adopting a newborn (usually only one or two days old) within the USA (although Hawaii and Alaska do count). An open adoption means that the birth mother / birth parents choose(s) the family for her/their child, that both parties have the other's names and state of residence (but not necessarily the exact address or city), and that the birth mother / family has the option to choose to maintain contact with the adoptive family and child after the adoptive family takes custody of the baby. This contact usually consists of the regular exchange of pictures and letters, and sometimes phone calls, if the birth mother desires such contact. A few birth mothers even request a family visit within the first five years. Often, though, this type of contact tapers off after the first year or two. Closed adoptions are where neither party knows who the other is, a baby is just placed with a family, usually per a wait list. Only about 3% of all adoptions nationwide are closed adoptions, and the wait lists for closed adoptions are long, usually two-to-five years.
2) Does an open adoption mean the birth parent(s) can come and "co-parent" or take the baby back again?
No. Once the birth parent(s) has signed the consent forms for custody, the revocation period for the birth state has passed, and thus termination of parental rights has been finalized (usually within 3-7 days after birth, with the exception of two or three states), all parental rights for the birth parent(s) are completely and forever terminated. The only exception is if the birth father is known but cannot be immediately found to sign the termination of rights and consent papers. In most states, he has 30 days to step forward and contest the adoption. Similarly, "co-parenting" by the birth parent(s) is just not a thing. Most birth parents live in another state, and logistics alone prevent this in general. Moreover, the birth parent(s) has released all rights and responsibilities regarding the baby to the adoptive parents, including those associated with parenting the child in general. The concept of an open adoption can often fill adoptive parents and their support system members with fears that such things will occur, but those fears are unfounded. History has shown that open adoptions are beneficial for everyone involved. It helps the birth parents cope with feelings of loss and helps them feel assured in their decision to adopt. It helps the child with feelings of loss and abandonment as well as identity formation and avoids the shock of "discovering" that he or she was adopted later in life. And it helps the adoptive family better care for their child's psychological and emotional needs as well as to embrace the positive aspects of adoption and their own adoption story.
3) Will the baby know he or she is adopted? How will that affect him or her?
Yes, he or she will know from the very beginning. Extensive research has shown that speaking of the child’s adoption in a positive manner from the very beginning helps the child build a positive self-identity and actually greatly helps with feelings of belonging (in the adoptive family), of abandonment, and of loss. “Hiding” the adoption until later in life often comes as a shock and is very difficult for the child to deal with, and also often compounds feelings of loss and abandonment, as well as cultivating feelings of betrayal (they often feel lied to). Thus, our baby will know our family’s adoption story from the very beginning. In fact, our older two, Sarah and Danny, already know that we are adopting a baby, as well as what adoption means. We even have several picture books that we read periodically that are written to help young children understand what adoption is and what being adopted means. We plan to continue this education with our adopted child. We plan to talk about our family’s adoption journey frequently, and always in a positive light. We will also always speak of the child’s birth family in a positive manner, emphasizing that his or her birth family loved him or her very much, but felt incapable of caring for and raising a baby, and thus made the difficult choice and great personal sacrifice to place their child for adoption. We ask that our supporters, family, and friends please follow our lead and example in this, always speaking of our child’s adoption and birth family in a positive and loving manner, as it is critical to his or her emotional and psychological health and development. And we thank you all in advance for this support and assistance.
4) Okay, so when will you know when you are getting a baby? How long will you have to wait?
A family’s wait time is affected by many factors. The agency we have gone with, American Adoptions, is very reputable and very successful. They accept about 300 adoptive families per year, and they place about 300 babies per year. Their average wait time for bringing a baby home is one-to-twelve months after activation. Because they do open adoptions, a birth mother / family chooses an adoptive family for her/their baby, either by browsing the available families online, or by choosing from the five or so families that American Adoptions recommends for them based on the preferences of those adoptive families. We do not have to accept a baby outside of our preferences even if the mother / family has chosen us (via online), but we are required to accept any adoption opportunity presented to us that is within our preferences. Once a birth mother / family has chosen us for her/their baby, we accept the opportunity and pay all adoption fees. However, it is just that: an opportunity. One in five birth mothers changes her mind on adoption and decides to keep the baby, usually at the hospital. This is known as a disruption, and in this case, American Adoptions refunds the adoption fees to us and allows us to decide if we wish to go active and be shown to potential birth mothers again, put the process on hold for a while, or withdraw entirely. On the other hand, four in five mothers proceed with adoption as planned. All that being said, we really have no idea when we get a baby or how long we will have to wait: it could be any day, or several months from now, or, rarely with this agency, but still possible, more than a year. There really is no way to tell, nor any way to speed up the process. Still, our preferences are fairly open (any gender, any race, minor substance use, such as ci******es and ma*****na, and typical family medical history, such as a history of heart disease, asthma, diabetes, etc.) and our budget is high, meaning we can travel anywhere in the US and accommodate any state’s adoption fees, which all means that we will be shown to many potential birth mothers, thus increasing our chances of being chosen and lowering the likelihood of a long wait time.
5) Once you get a match / adoption opportunity, what happens then? When do you get the baby?
We may get two-to-four months of notice before the baby’s due date, or we may get the call when the mother is already in labor at the hospital or the baby was born that day or the day before. Once the mother is in labor, we have 24 hours to transfer any remaining adoption fees and funds and travel to the hospital. Depending on the hospital’s policies for the timeframe for the discharge of newborns and the baby’s health, the baby will be discharged into our care and temporary custody one or two days after birth. Depending on the state, the birth parent(s) will sign consent forms for temporary custody at discharge, and they will sign the papers for termination of their parental rights within 72 hours after birth (some states make them wait 24-48 hours before they can sign, though). After that, some states have a revocation period lasting anywhere from 24 hours to 7 days, and a couple of states have 30 days revocation periods. Once the revocation period has passed, the birth parent(s)’ parental rights are fully, completely, and irrevocably terminated, and the baby is legally in our (temporary) custody until the adoption is finalized by the state anywhere from three to twelve months after birth. During this waiting period, we will have inspections at our home and interviews with a social worker to make sure everything is going smoothly, and then we will be approved for finalization. After finalization, the baby is issued a new birth certificate with our names and he or she is ours forever (although, basically, the baby is ours from the time the revocation period passes; contested adoptions are very rare, 2% or less, and approval for finalization is generally denied only if you prove to be unfit parents).
6) So when do you get to bring Baby home and let us all meet him or her?
After the baby is born and released into our temporary custody, we must wait for the state the baby is born in and our state of residence (Ohio) to approve this custody and approve our taking the baby across state lines. This approval is called the ICPC and usually takes seven-to-ten business days after birth, or, roughly two-to-three weeks. Until the ICPC comes through, we will have to stay with the baby in the baby’s state of birth, in hotels or an AirBnB or the like. Once the ICPC has been approved, we will be able to head home with the baby, either flying or driving, depending on the state and the mode of travel we used to get there.
7) Soooo, baby shower?
Actually, due to the fact that we may not know when we will be getting a baby, how much notice we will have, or what s*x baby will be, and due to the fact that there is a one-in-five chance of the birth mother changing her mind, most likely at the hospital, we would prefer to hold off on any baby showers or gifts until after we have brought the baby home. And since the ICPC can take two or three weeks to approve the baby for interstate travel, we are hoping to plan a Welcome Baby Home sort of fiesta at about the one-month mark. This will give us time for the ICPC to come through, for any revocation period to pass (even for the two or three states with 30 day revocation periods), and for us to settle in at home with the baby (well, for a week or two). Should you just adorably insist on showering baby with love and / or gifts before the one-month party, we have two options for that: 1) if we are still out of state observing the ICPC waiting period, you can send gifts to Brittany Wright or Kellie Burns to hold for us until we get back; or 2) if you wait until we are home, you can send them directly to our house. We will be providing a generic list of the kinds of things we need, with possibly a few examples, on another sticky post. We will be limiting visits for the first month to very close family, spaced out a bit time-wise, in order to allow time for ourselves, our older children, and our new baby to all adjust to one another and our new way of life with three children, one of whom is a newborn, all in our own home. Please also keep in mind that, depending on how far we must travel, our older children may not be able to come join us after the revocation period has passed and meet their new sibling; they may actually not meet the baby at all until we come home, and thus should be allowed time without extra visitors to get to know their new sibling and adjust a bit to this very new mode of family life.
